Sexy Jihad

The main reason I’ve been away is because I just spent five months in jail…

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See, earlier this year I became quite unhinged. First, I had to take a shitty job at Subway serving “food” to despicable welfare mommies and street garbage after getting fired from my previous job for sexual harrasment (I have given up any hope of suing the bastards for wrongful termination as I can barely afford to eat let alone hire a lawyer.) I was later arrested for assault on a police officer (another bullshit charge; ejaculating in someone’s face is NOT assault–don’t ask.) After my stinking whore of a mom posted my bail, I found I had been fired from my job at Subway. I went out seeking revenge and gained my satisfaction by burning my manager’s precious cat alive with some Ronsonol fluid and a bic lighter.

This murder of an animal for some reason outraged the local community and Dudley Do-Right reporters ran around trying to stir up mock-outrage over that retarded cat that would have had to been put down eventually anyway. Seeing as I’d recently been fired from her store, the manager immediately pointed the finger at me. The cops even came an arrested me for the crime, but released me because the fumes from the accellerants on my hands were not the same as the Zippo lighter fluid I used.

Truth be told, I thought I was caught. I had just been washing my hands in gasoline to kill the ticks I’d caught from some diseased crackhead while in county.

Everyone suspected me though, and when the judge sentenced me for the assault on this fat oinker who calls himself Officer Timmerman, I think I got more time than I normally would on a first offense. The judge sentenced me to another six months in county.

In the two weeks before I had to report to jail, I tried to figure out how I was going to survive. I rented every season of Oz from Blockbuster and slowly tried to formulate my plan of staying on top of the jailhouse hierarchy.

My main goal, of course, was to prevent myself from becoming a bitch and my best chance to avoid that fate was to join a gang. Since I’m white and not some liberal scumfuck, my best option was the Aryans, even though I despise inbred rednecks as much as rapping gangbanging spearchuckers. But this would be difficult, because they would undoubtedly want me to shank someone to prove my loyalty, and I didn’t want to do anything that would extend my sentence. The guards would be after me since I had come in the face of one of their own, so I couldn’t expect any protection from them. Perhaps I could get by on just playing the other gangs off against each other like a jailhouse Machiavelli. Whatever, anything so I wouldn’t have to take it up the ass…

I realized quickly that the reality of county jail is much different than TV prison. When I reported, they took my street clothes, and issued me my orange DOC clothes, along with bedding, a toothbrush with the handle cut down so I couldn’t sharpen it into an effective shank. The most humiliating part of the experience was when the guard stuck his finger in my anus to see if I was hiding drugs up there. I plan to kill the sonofabitch someday for that.

Due to overcrowding, I was forced to sleep on a cot in the gymnasium with ten other inmates. Most of them were new arrivals too; primarily crackheads who got sent up for robbing a liquor store or something. Worse, they were all in withdrawl. At least three of those sweaty, ashy-faced pricks woke me up in the middle of the night asking me if I was “holding” and called me a cracker when I said I wasn’t. They would scream in the middle of the night and the guards had to muzzle a few of them and restrain them to their cots since the isolation cells were all full up.

Between their screaming and me being unjustly deprived of my freedom, I didn’t get any sleep that night. It was the longest night of my life…